Here’s Why Big Umbrellas are the Worst Things in the World

It’s all about umbrella etiquette.

It’s summertime here in the UK, which can only mean one thing: it’s raining literally every day.

Barbecues are cancelled, beach trips postponed and leaving the house without an umbrella suddenly becomes the most risky possible thing in our human experience. If you’re one of the sensible lot, an umbrella is a must. You arrive at work dry, your make-up is in tact and you don’t spend the rest of the day smelling like wet dog. Winning.

Umbrellas can be rolled out in style, too. Gone are the days of frantically overturning your cupboard under the stairs in search of your mum’s tatty 3-year-old leopard print umbrella. Purchase one that goes with your outfit. Customise your own, why not? Be wild.

However, there’s one type of umbrella that you should absolutely NOT own. Trust us, it’s worth your co-workers having to subtly proclaim that there’s “a damp smell in the air” as opposed to strolling about the town with one of these monstrosities. That monstrosity is, of course, big umbrellas. So here is why big umbrellas are the worst things to ever grace the earth:

  1. No, we’re not talking about relatively large umbrellas. Those are OK. We’re on about those arrogantly large, aggressive, dome-shaped, 02 Arena-looking, golfing type umbrellas. Yeah, those. They must be stopped.

    A normal(ish) sized umbrella. Take note
  2. How on earth can they be of any convenience to YOU, let alone to everyone else? Grabbing yourself a smaller umbrella opens you up to a world of transportation options – use it, pop the handle back up, place it in a carrier bag until it’s needed again. Sorted. With those great big old things you need to rent a storage unit just to have somewhere to put it when you’re done with it. As for getting on a peak time train with one? Forget it.
Why is your umbrella this big?

3. They’re the waterproof equivalent of revving a motorbike engine. You’re not cool. You’re  not clever. We all know you’re here. Move on.

4. You’ll poke someone’s eye out. Picture the scene: you’re just standing at the bus stop with your charming, small, HARMLESS umbrella, and all of a sudden the person with the great big walloping article of an umbrella next to you turns around in search of their bus. Not only is your poor umbrella injured in the aftermath, but your eye is also missing and rolling down the high street. It’s entirely possible.

5. They get in the way of literally everyone. You’re just walking along the pavement, minding your own business, and suddenly this tent on a stick approaches you. You’re forced into hiding just to prevent yourself from being smacked in the face. It’s even worse if you yourself are holding an umbrella (a sensibly sized one of course). It’s like a waterproof revival of Robot Wars.

There’s only one way to find out….FIGHT!!!!

6. More on the “how on earth can they be of any convenience to YOU, let alone to everyone else?” side of things – how do you manage to navigate small spaces? Scratch that, how do you manage to navigate ANY space? You have to collapse the stupid thing just to walk down your own driveway.

You look like you’re walking down the road with a garden parasol

7. Your head is literally less than 20cm ear to ear. Why is your umbrella 9 metres wide? You’re only trying to shelter YOURSELF from the rain Brenda, not everyone from here to North Greenwich.

8. Why does you umbrella look like one of these?! Case closed.

Photo: Nate Pesce, uploaded to Flickr by Fort George G. Meade Public Affairs Office. Licensed under CC.2.0.